Why Intimate Relationships Are the #1 Cause of Relapse

Why Intimate Relationships Are the #1 Cause of Relapse

We were created for relationship — first and foremost with our Heavenly Father. But in addiction, that divine connection is often severed. Substances become a false comfort, a counterfeit form of intimacy that numbs the pain of rejection, abandonment, and shame.

At Hope is Alive, we walk with men and women every day who are rebuilding their lives after the wreckage of addiction. And while relapse can have many causes — trauma, stress, isolation — one pattern stands out above the rest: intimate relationships.

More people relapse because of unhealthy romantic relationships than any other single factor. It’s not because love is bad. On the contrary, love is a gift from God. But outside of His timing, and without the foundation of emotional and spiritual maturity, intimate relationships often become dangerous distractions — pulling us away from the very healing we so desperately need.

As a former resident and now alumni with seven years of sobriety, I had to learn this the hard way. I had become addicted to sex and love from a young age prior to my substance abuse. The Hope is Alive curriculum and my mentor, Allyson Lang, helped guide me through this. Even though I wanted to seek out a relationship, I trusted those who were leading me at HIA, and I chose to wait to date.

Substituting People for the Presence of God

When someone enters recovery, their heart is still hungry for connection. It’s tempting to believe a romantic relationship will meet that need. But instead of healing, what often follows is emotional chaos — jealousy, insecurity, dependency, and heartbreak. For someone whose emotional stability is still fragile, these powerful emotions can quickly lead back to old coping mechanisms.

One of the greatest dangers in early recovery is replacing our need for God with our desire for people. We see it all the time — a resident starts to grow, begins to feel better, and then meets someone. Suddenly, their focus shifts. Time in God’s Word fades. Accountability becomes optional. Church is replaced with phone calls and coffee dates. Before long, they’re spiritually dry and emotionally reactive. Inevitably, the relationship struggles — and in the absence of the Lord’s strength, the person falls back into addiction.

The main problem that exists for me, and many others in addiction, is not knowing what love actually is. We chase the intoxicating idea of love, and while it feels good in the moment, just like substances, the high eventually wears off. Searching for happiness in someone else is really just a cover for insecurity.

The truth is, no human relationship can do what only God can. When we look to a boyfriend or girlfriend to heal our brokenness, fill our emptiness, or make us feel whole, we are asking them to be a savior. And that role is already filled by Jesus.

Building on Solid Ground

At Hope is Alive, we challenge our residents to wait — not because we want to control them, but because we want them to thrive. Waiting a year before entering a romantic relationship gives space for deep inner healing: reconnecting with God, discovering identity, developing emotional sobriety, and learning healthy boundaries.

Scripture tells us in Matthew 6:33, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” That includes relationships. When you seek God first, He aligns everything else — including love — in His perfect timing. The wrong relationship at the wrong time can dismantle what God is trying to restore.

Just like my alcoholism, I am not cured of my sex and love addiction. It is something I continue to face every single day. I waited my first four years in sobriety to start dating. Because of that patience and hard work in my personal growth, God exceedingly and abundantly answered the desires of my heart. I married my best friend and love of my life, Joy, in June of 2023. We have been married for two years, and I am forever grateful to HIA and my leaders for the life I get to live today.

So, I urge you — don’t trade what’s eternal for what feels good today. Don’t rush the process. Trust that your Heavenly Father knows your heart, your desires, and your future. Until then, pursue the only relationship that will never let you down — the one with Jesus Christ. In Him is the love you’ve always been searching for.

—Grant Green, Director of Program Operations