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Understanding Codependency
Finding Hope Family Support Groups
Written By
Finding Hope Team
Understanding Codependency
What is Codependency?
Codependency is a response to addiction — but even more than that, it’s a response to trauma. It often shows up in relationships with loved ones struggling with substance use or other problems.
Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More, defines it this way: “Someone who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.”
What You Should Know About Codependency:
- Codependency feels shameful
- It’s an unhealthy focus on other people’s problems, feelings, and needs
- Codependents are often sensitive to criticism and tend to wall off their own feelings
- They rarely ask for what they need — and often give even when it hurts
- The good news? You can change your codependent patterns
Common Characteristics of Codependency:
- You get into relationships with addicts or people who have major issues
- You excessively help others at your own expense
- You neglect your own needs
- You struggle to ask for help
- You feel responsible for others' choices
- You often hide anger or disappointment to avoid conflict
- You give advice freely, but don’t say what you really mean
- You focus on perfection, not progress
Five Core Symptoms of Codependency:
1. Difficulty with Self-Esteem
You may think you’re worthless — or, swing the other way and believe you're better than others. Either extreme is unhealthy.
2. Difficulty Setting Functional Boundaries
Your boundaries may be unclear, nonexistent, or rigid and walled off.
3. Difficulty Owning Your Own Reality
You may not know who you are — what you think, how you feel, or what you want.
4. Difficulty Meeting Your Own Needs
You may:
- Wait for others to take care of you.
- Avoid asking for help.
- Be unaware of your own needs.
- Confuse wants with needs.
5. Difficulty with Moderation
Codependents often swing from one extreme to another — too involved or totally detached, overly happy or deeply miserable. To them, "just enough" never feels like enough.
Next week, we’ll explore practical ways to break free from the cycle of codependency. It may feel uncomfortable at times, but the freedom that follows is worth it. This week, take time to reflect and journal about where you're currently struggling with codependency and what might be holding you back from letting it go.
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10 (ESV)
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