Through the loss of my son, I have mourned so heavily for many days, hours, weeks, months and years. Minute by minute in the beginning, I never knew what the next moment would bring. I wanted him back and to change what had happened. I wanted to start over because I just knew this was my fault. I lived in denial, I begged and pleaded with God to change my course and somehow make him live again. I told myself I had nothing to live for, it was just so hard.
I know grief feels and is different for everyone, but I think we all suffer that feeling after losing someone we love so much to addiction.
Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.”
In this short passage, the author of Ecclesiastes gives us so much to think about. The good and the bad, we are all born, and we all must die; this is life as we know it and we can’t change any of this. I brought my children into this world and I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. I can’t change that either, but one day, one week, one month, one year later, I feel like their death is up to me.
Ecclesiastes 3:5 says there is “a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, at time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.”
Right after Jordan’s death, I blamed myself and everyone else for him being gone; he wouldn’t have overdosed if I had been a better parent, if he had better friends, if his girlfriend had shown him more attention, if if if. My thoughts were scattered and it was time for me to gather myself and my thoughts and bring them to reality. I needed to embrace God and what He had for me, but I wasn’t sure how.
Ecclesiastes 3:6-7 says there is “a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak.”
What do these verses say to you? I needed to search for a way to forgive myself and think more clearly. Did you supply your loved ones with the tools to harm themselves? No. Do we need to keep beating our thoughts and ourselves up? No. Do we need to fix our hearts on a life we are meant to have? Yes. How can we do that? God wants us to be joyful.
Ecclesiastes 3:8 says there is “a time to love and a time to hate.”
We need to love ourselves first and look at ourselves as Jesus looks at us. He saved us from the sin we create. What the author means by “a time to hate” is to hate the sin, to hate what brought our loved one to destruction. Not them, not God, and not ourselves. We are an image of God; we need to delight in ourselves and the love He gave us.
Ecclesiastes 3:9-12 asks, “What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.”
As hard as it is to possibly fathom we all have a time to live, does it do your heart and your mind good to question your actions all the time? I have found trusting in God gets me through day to day, as hard as it can be at times. As parents or loved ones, we tend to question constantly: But if… What if…
That brings me to this: God has made everything beautiful in its time. We all have a time, we don’t know how long, but we can make our time better by being good to ourselves, loving each other, and finding something to heal our hearts. What can you imagine or are you doing in the name of your loved one? Speak their name in some form by doing a good deed, maybe even saying to the person or just to yourself, ”This is for my loved one that I lost and I’m paying it forward.”
Ecclesiastes 3:14-15 says, “I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him. Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will the the past to account.”
And Proverbs 3:7 tells us, “Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and depart from evil.”
This is what I have learned through my journey: being angry at myself or God through the loss of my loved one only harms me and my family. Yes, we all have moments of sheer grief—take them to cry or scream—but the minute you are done, go to the Word. God will take your pain from you and turn it into compassion, love, acceptance and mercy.
In closing, I want you to journal your grief, if you don’t already, and talk to someone who understands you and your journey. Be mindful that this is a process that doesn’t leave us; it just changes us, and I am praying for the better.
God bless you.
-Cindy Bowling, Jordan’s mother
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